Torn with Passive Hybristophilia (AKA Lukamania)
originally written on June 20, 2012
I’m torn. This obsession with you is taking over my life, I’m unproductive at work and at home. All I do is think of you, read about you, stare at photos of you and write about (and to) you…I’ve literally devoted my days to you, Luka!…12 hours a days at least! I’m starting to wonder if I should see a psychiatrist. On the one hand I realize how this obsession has taken over my life, and the physical sensations of warm euphoric fuzziness are actually a little scary because I know they’re not normal. But on the other hand, I don’t want anyone to take these thoughts and feelings for you away from me…I cherish them, it feels good! Is this what passive hybristophilia feels like? I feel like I need to split myself in two….one of me to be a productive member of society, and one of me to devote myself to you. I fear that if it weren’t for ties in life (and the fact I need to work for a living) there would be absolutely nothing to stop me from picking up and leaving to be nearer to you. And this isn’t some delusion, I know full well you’re stuck behind bars and probably will be for the rest of your life, but I would attend your court appearances and visit you. Lost in a world of obsessive fantasy…
I want to make a new word. Passive hybristophilia just doesn’t cut it, nor does serial killer groupie. It’s all about you, Luka! I’d like to coin the term Lukaphilia, Magnottaphilia, or maybe Lukamania; that has a nice ring to it. I really don’t think I romanticize what you allegedly did, but I definitely romanticize you. I refuse to believe the reports of people saying you were cold and creepy and had no friends. These comments just make me feel sad for you. I’m sad that you saw flaws when you looked in the mirror, when all I see is beauty in you. I’m sad that your family ostracized you. It’s really a shame that no one was ever there for you. It’s not your fault you’re so messed up inside. I’ll never hold that against you. I think you just need help and I truly hope you get that now and not just reprimand.