Luka-love as anxiety prevention?
I’ve been trying to figure out what to make of this warm, fuzzy feeling I have for Luka. Although it feels very much like love, and certainly has an element of infatuation and adoration, I’m trying to understand where it comes from and why it’s so strong. While I am quite certain it’s far too shallow to be love being based mostly on his looks, it is definitely one of the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt for anyone! I know well the feeling of first falling in love with someone and these feelings I have for Luka are ten times stronger. It’s very odd and surreal. To explain one theory that came to mind, I will first give some background information about myself.
I have always been a shy and anxious person. I do not like crowds. I have had panic attacks both in large crowds and also just thinking about being in a crowd. But, being the complex person that I am, I also love fun and excitement. I love going out and celebrating, I love parties, I love festivals and events! These things all involve crowds, but in these instances I rarely have panic attacks if it’s an event I have been looking forward to. I somehow get myself so psyched up with anticipation in advance, that when the crowds start to bother me I already have a buffer of good feelings to fall back on. It’s like I’ve pre-medicated myself with natural endorphins that help stave off the extreme anxiety that causes full-blown panic attacks.
So, how does this relate to Luka? The thought of being tied up, murdered, and dismembered is terrifying! The thought that someone as beautiful as Luka could be someone who would do such a thing is even scarier. Monsters are supposed to be hideous; they are not supposed to blend in and be attractive. If Luka can be a monster, anyone can! I find myself looking at strangers’ eyes in public places more now than I ever have, and wondering “Are those the eyes of a psychopath?” Like I mentioned in the paragraph above, I have enough anxieties in life, especially in public, I don’t need any more! So, I can’t help but wonder if my mind is subconsciously using the beauty and attractiveness of Luka to stave off severe anxiety. I have already had more panic attacks in the past month than I have in my whole life, and can’t help but wonder if I would be in a constant state of high-anxiety now were it not for the warm, fuzzy feelings about Luka to mask the anxious feelings. When thoughts of Luka pop into my mind, the first feeling I usually have is mild anxiety, but it is quickly replaced by an overwhelming flood of warmth and infatuation. Could my Luka-love be my own self-medication against the fears of the possibilities that monsters could be lurking around any corner?
Just a theory, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s at least a hint of truth to it.
HAPPY CANADA DAY!
For few weeks now I’ve been watching people, wondering how many of them have wanted to kill everything and everyone say they’ll do but never did.
Sometimes I feel that acknowledging the fact that a cherub looking man with a frail looking body could kill someone in such a way, would only fuel my agoraphobia. It makes me look at the world with a brand new eye…
Coucou Seras, je t’ai joins mon adresse en plusieurs morceaux plus bas, si tu es intéressé pour discuter par mail
Hey Inicecanadiangirl1hugeobsession,
I have been avidly reading your blogs and am a frequent visiter to your site. I just want to say that I truly enjoy reading your blogs, and am comforted by the fact that I am not the only one who is thoroughly obsessed [in my own way] with Luka Magnotta.
Secondly, to respond to this recent blog, it appears that maybe you could be using your infatuation or interest in Luka as a response to coping with your anxiety? Maybe because, in a way, he is sort of surreal. As you had mentioned, how someone so beautiful and intriguing could do something so vile and inhumane [if he was proven guilty] That is why he intrigues me, and certainly his good looks and deep voice does not help!
With his good looks and deep voice in his arsenal, Luka seems to have grabbed much attention from people. So often with someone so good looking, people often fantasize about their impression of the person [how they are, what they enjoy, etc..] Imagining Luka’s persona in your own way would definitely create the perfect man as he has the attributes that most intrigue you. Now adding this, you begin to fantasize about this fantasy man, and it interests and pulls you more into him [just like a regular celebrity like Robert Pattinson or Matthew McConaughey] Thus he appears surreal, and an escape from reality.
To avoid the stressors that cause your anxiety attacks in real life, you escape to a surreal reality with Luka where nothing stresses you and everything you do with him keeps you completely calm and the way you prefer life to be. From a retrospect of your blogs, it also appears that Luka is that little mix of spontaneity and interest that you need in your life. As life goes, it can sometimes, almost often seem too routine. Once in a while we all need to spice up our life, no matter how we do it [mid life crises, sexual experimentation, etc..] Now, I am not saying that your life is boring! I am just saying as humans, we love being entertained. [Why do you think we have sports and breaking news? etc..]
I just hope you know that what I had written does not necessarily explain why you have an obsession with Luka. It is just an example of maybe why. My obsession with Luka is because not only do I find him very attractive, but I am so curious about his past, endeavors and all.
I truly do enjoy reading your blogs, so please keep writing
Hi Tia,
I am quite certain that anxiety plays a big role in this obsession, for me anyway. I’ll definitely be writing more on this subject in the future. Fantasizing to escape reality is also a huge part, and I have had a rich fantasy life for as long as I can remember. Because of my vivid fantasies that I can escape into at any moment, I can rarely claim to be actually bored, but I am often accused (by my parents when I was younger, and now by my husband) of being “spaced-out”, detached, and not present in my life; as my Dad used to say “Why are you always staring off into space?” Why? Because I like it there, that’s why! There’s rarely a moment that goes by that I’m not experiencing some sort of fantasy, so it’s a good thing I’m an excellent multi-tasker or I’d be lost to this world!
There are just so many aspects to this obsession; I’ll be writing for a long time I’m sure!
BTW, you can call me Lexa.
I agree with tia, I truly believe that you should just “go with it” and see how it plays out for you emotionally. You are a mom and a wife, have a job, you are not a nutbar, or a troll, you simply have something that is in your mind, as I’m sure you’ve had other things in your mind that have stayed there for a long time, the only reason this stands out to you, is merely because of the depravity of the crime, the fact that eric stands out because of his past porn career, looks, age, and life, and you feel for some reason different than everyone else, you’re not. Plenty of us have things that fascinate us,intrigue us and moreover distract us from reality. If we had to live in reality all the time, we’d go crazy. I liked Richard Kisinski, a serial killer and killer for hire, but every crime he committed had a motive, every single one, and I respected him because he was a respectful person. One time a club owner owed him 1600$ and it was Christmas, the guy had the money but was giving him the old run around. At first he was going to take it lying down, then he met the guy as his kids slept, he met the guy in a parking lot, in a car. The guy was all apologetic and said he didnt have the money, Richard shot him in the head, reached into his pocket to find a roll of thousands of dollars, took the 1600 owed put the rest back and went home, he wasnt a thief, he just wanted his money. I respected that. Try that on for size. He hung a guy over his shoulder and killed him. He never killed women, he used injections, arsenic in drinks all kinds of things. He was only caught probably forty years into his killing and actually started killing at the age of fourteen or fifteen. He was called the iceman.The first guy he killed was because a bunch of kids in a gang had beaten him up, so he killed the first kid with a bat, then went around and killed the rest one by one…..