Luka-love as anxiety prevention?
I’ve been trying to figure out what to make of this warm, fuzzy feeling I have for Luka. Although it feels very much like love, and certainly has an element of infatuation and adoration, I’m trying to understand where it comes from and why it’s so strong. While I am quite certain it’s far too shallow to be love being based mostly on his looks, it is definitely one of the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt for anyone! I know well the feeling of first falling in love with someone and these feelings I have for Luka are ten times stronger. It’s very odd and surreal. To explain one theory that came to mind, I will first give some background information about myself.
I have always been a shy and anxious person. I do not like crowds. I have had panic attacks both in large crowds and also just thinking about being in a crowd. But, being the complex person that I am, I also love fun and excitement. I love going out and celebrating, I love parties, I love festivals and events! These things all involve crowds, but in these instances I rarely have panic attacks if it’s an event I have been looking forward to. I somehow get myself so psyched up with anticipation in advance, that when the crowds start to bother me I already have a buffer of good feelings to fall back on. It’s like I’ve pre-medicated myself with natural endorphins that help stave off the extreme anxiety that causes full-blown panic attacks.
So, how does this relate to Luka? The thought of being tied up, murdered, and dismembered is terrifying! The thought that someone as beautiful as Luka could be someone who would do such a thing is even scarier. Monsters are supposed to be hideous; they are not supposed to blend in and be attractive. If Luka can be a monster, anyone can! I find myself looking at strangers’ eyes in public places more now than I ever have, and wondering “Are those the eyes of a psychopath?” Like I mentioned in the paragraph above, I have enough anxieties in life, especially in public, I don’t need any more! So, I can’t help but wonder if my mind is subconsciously using the beauty and attractiveness of Luka to stave off severe anxiety. I have already had more panic attacks in the past month than I have in my whole life, and can’t help but wonder if I would be in a constant state of high-anxiety now were it not for the warm, fuzzy feelings about Luka to mask the anxious feelings. When thoughts of Luka pop into my mind, the first feeling I usually have is mild anxiety, but it is quickly replaced by an overwhelming flood of warmth and infatuation. Could my Luka-love be my own self-medication against the fears of the possibilities that monsters could be lurking around any corner?
Just a theory, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s at least a hint of truth to it.
HAPPY CANADA DAY!