A conversation that made me blush
Luka comes up in conversation again around the dinner table tonight. I just can’t help it! So many things make me think of Luka. My husband says something along the lines of “Oh my god, not again. Are you okay? I think you need help!” He then goes on to say I should “just get it over with” and write to Luka in prison already. (As if writing would stop my obsession, lol.) My usual response “You’re silly” and my daughter pipes in with “You really should! Tell him how you’re totally obsessed with him!” I’m blushing by now, but my husband adds “I’m serious! Just write to him! I know you want to! You’re like a school girl with a crush. I hear the way you say his name and get all giddy!” I squirm uncomfortably for a few minutes before the conversation moves on.
Yeah, like a school girl with a crush, that’s exactly what it’s like. Only I’m not a school girl, I’m a grown woman; and I don’t remember EVER having any crush that felt this strong or occupied my mind so constantly!! But I guess it’s pretty obvious to the people closest to me, even though they really have no idea of the extent of this obsession. Although it sounds like I have my husband’s blessing to write to Luka. (I wonder what he would say if I actually did and told him.)
I think you should. Don’t forget, schoolgirl crushes were different in the fact that you’d not yet experienced love, passion, real sexual gratification etc, if you had, they would have been far more obsessive. I wouldn’t chalk this up to obsession so much as fascination. You’ve got to start realizing that this isn’t any different than anything else that takes up peoples’ imaginations. I too talk a lot about this case, i too am intrigued, you’ve got a great imagination, and I think perhaps after living the daily routine, over and over and over, same thing, same town, same routine, same husband, we all need our escape, mine is my computer, and things like this, you can make a division between reality and fantasy, you haven’t made any plans to kill anyone in honor of magnotta, etc, I think you’re completely normal. I think perhaps needing some way to distract yourself from mainstream life, and this was the perfect thing to do it. Because it’s safe. Often people will do things that are self destructive or plain destructive to others, you just write and spend a lot of time living in a world where everything is different than what it was before all this happened. Like reading the whole twilight series. You can disappear and come back when you feel like it. And it belongs to you, and only you. Props to hubby, no reason for you to lie to him or hide this from him, he seems like he is encouraging and decent. Write to him, if you havent remembering the following, avoid sexual talk, the crime etc. You don’t want the police looking at you as someone he may have had links to prior to this and all letters are read. They can if they believe you have, but not likely to happen, seize your computer and do other things that they do during any criminal investigation. A woman went to rdp the other day and asked about writing him, they said to her to not give a return address, and that there have already been women visiting him, friends or fans who knows…..
Get a life poor girl!!! Get a doctor! Take care of your husband before he leaves you!!!
If you wrote to him and received no response maybe that WOULD help you to overcome this obsession. Just a thought.
one question:
some woman went at rdp and wanted to see Luka, do they let them see Luka? i’m wondering what he thinks about it….Hi, you dont know me but i’m a big fan…. What can you say to him… Wow im just curious…;)
It would be a pretty long shot to visit Luka. I don’t really know anything about the process first hand, but from what I’ve heard you’d have to write to him and ask him to put you on the approved visitors list.
@Genvieve & Lexa, The only way to get put on the visitors list, is to get magnotta to put you there, therefore you must communicate to him yourself. I myself have been incarcerated in my younger days. I would suggest writing a letter to him. He will be limited in the amount of visitors he’s allowed per week. I am not sure of the PC hours, however, one phone call, and I can find out (PC- protective custody) The hours are different from general population. General population visiting time I believe is 2-4 pm daily, so they will not allow magnotta to visit during those times. You will need i.d. and have to go through a metal detector and they will go through your purse.It would be a no contact visit/through glass, and there is a phone to talk to him. I doubt you’d recieve a pat down. Thats all you need to know. If you give him your phone number, he can call you at the regular reverse the charges rates, unless its long distance. He is in his cell on suicide watch 23 hours a day and is allowed out for one hour in a small fenced in yard.Visiting hours dont take away from his one hour a day in his yard.
ok thank you
… how do you do if he approved? do you know if he always stay inside or does he go outside sometimes? between you and me, if he cant go out, i would go crazy…Especially if he doesnt have access to internet, tv and music…. I would kill myself…. I guess he’s on medications… He looked so “not there” when he arrived in Montreal. I live in Montreal and the first place he went (centre de détention nord)is close to my house…and rdp is not so far… 
how do you know he approved you to visit him?
You would have to either phone the RDP detention center, and find out his detainee number and ask, but it would help if you had some relationship with him, by mail, and again, if you give him your phone number, and it’s local, there are pay phones he can use to call collect, at the regular rates, if you aren’t in the 514 area, it will be a long distance,reverse call.
If I were your family, I’d ask you to seek inpatient treatment. Obsessing over a murderer and a cannibal is not healthy, and certainly says something about your state of mind. LM is a sociopath and you have fallen for his dark magic. You need to seek counseling.
what are u doing here if you dont like LM??? if we all need treatment, i think you also need a treatment because you’re chatting with us!!!!
Well I’ve been reading this blog and I’m certainly not a fan of Luka, I’m still interested in what’s being said here though. I think it borders on being or becoming an ‘abnormal’ or unhealthy obsession. It could fizzle out just as quickly as it started, if not, professional help may be required, but for the moment I see no real harm in putting it into words.
I totally agree, some people have obsessive compulsive disorder, as far as I see, this is harmless. She has a firm grip on reality, and is using this blog as a way to sort out her feelings. I think that some people come to this blog, and read half of the post, no follow up responses from Lexa and jump all over her for making her feelings and thought public, which isn’t fair. She works, has a family and a wicked imagination. She knows the difference between reality and fantasy, and is merely expressing herself. I’m obsessed with this to a great extent, however, don’t have any physical attraction to him, I feel sorry for him in a way, I am hardly a person to “blame” the parents, but the upbringing and neglect of any child, often unfortunately ends with these types of acts. If one grows up believing they have no value, they don’t care. It is obvious with all the sock puppet accounts, this guy has been sexually assaulted, when he went to a hospital for help, they put him in the psych ward, not believing it had happened, but it was in the united states, and of course, he had no insurance, so as soon as they could, they fired him out the door, with no follow up. They had to have suspected something was up, he was either delusional, it had happened, or was creating a phony assault to gain something, HELP maybe? That was I believe six years ago. He likely turned to drugs, and booze, which to me launched him on this downward spiral.Contrary to my original opinion, I think he despised himself, not loved himself. He never grew up, because he was never given the chance to be a child. I know I’m going to get kicked in the arse for saying this because of his crime, but it’s true. It is a well known fact, children need to feel safe, loved, special and need attention. This is a result of him getting none of that during his childhood, he sought help, did things to draw attention to himself in many ways, and no one cared…no one, it seems. For whatever reason, he didn’t directly get psychiatric help, I don’t know, but this could have been prevented. I make sure my children know they are special, and awesome to me, and I am the only one that should matter to them, I listen to my little boys’ fantasy stories, and agree they are all true, I spend time with my son and daughter, I even have a date night for him.
I can fully understand why people see this blog as inappropriate or disrespectful. A man has died, Lin Jun is the real victim, I don’t dispute that fact. But it’s interesting to see someone willing to describe a developing obsession of this sort, which is probably more common than we realise, as most aren’t honest about it.
I hope this ‘author’ is quickly sussed out and that someone reports her to Children’s Services – ASAP. This person has no business parenting children. That is clearly evident.
If I were this woman’s husband, I’d be heading straight for lawyer’s office to file for sole custody immediately.
I don’t think it’s fair to pass such a harsh judgement on this lady. She has an ongoing fantasy about LM. What this blog is about, if you’ve gone through it, and read all of her blogs and replies to people, you would realize this is like an open diary. We all have emotions and question our thoughts on certain things, and the only thing that is “clearly evident” here, is that you have NOT, in fact, read every post. This is a diary of her feelings, a way for Lexa to openly talk about her feelings without a great backlash from people she knows. We all have something or some thoughts that we don’t understand, and can’t talk about with our family, friends, co workers etc, so she chooses to purge her emotions in a public blog/forum. Why? Because she can. It’s entirely legal, and she doesn’t talk in detail about her sexual desires, she talks of her emotions, she talks about not being able to get him off her mind. If you’ve never felt this way about another human being, then you’ve never experienced a crush. The media reports in Canada and internationally, have made mentions of him daily, some, very long reports, and this obviously has fueled Lexas’ obsession, there are pages on facebook devoted to him. I know this is harmless, how in the fuck would this have anything to do with her parenting skills? You are a very judgmental person, to an extreme. I don’t have any attraction to LM, however, this case is something I obsess over as well, for differing reasons(primarily, stemming to the root of how this young kid turned out this way, how he was treated as a child, how he was ridiculed at school, and made fun of, how he was shipped off to live with his domineering grandmother, and had problems in school, all a prelude to a child who slipped through the cracks.) again, if you have fully read this blog, or have been following it, you’d know that as well. I have my computer to open my gmail, to get updates on this blog daily, open to a LM discussion page, and watch each and every post I see about him, am I a bad bad too? I have a daughter, who is 18, and a son who is going to be 6 in August, I also have a foster son who is 30, I can go about my daily routine, however this case, LM, etc both fascinate and intrigue me, so should my child be taken from me as well. I doubt it. As I have said in the past; historically, people have had these “obsessions” with killers before, Manson in particular, has kids corresponding with him after reading books about him, KIDS(Older teens)they seek advice from him, Paul Bernardo, more recently, was someone I couldn’t understand, a good looking guy, an accountant, wife, house, great job, money, etc…could have paid hookers to have sex with him, because he liked them young, schoolgirl looking. Ted Bundy, was only convicted on 30 murders, was also very good looking, was someone I obsessed about for a while. However, this doesn’t make me a lesser person, as with all things, these are things that in time pass. It isn’t necessary to be so harsh in judging a person, for posting her thoughts, feelings and experience for others to read. The only difference between the “fans” of people like Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Paul Bernardo is that now we have the internet, so people can read or see things they couldn’t see back in their time, and video cameras were relatively new even in the bernardo slayings timeframe. So LM reached beyond anything society has ever seen before, his crime was no more heinous than any of the others, Ted Bundy was far worse, even bringing home one of his victims head, for whatever reason and keeping it until it was decayed beyond recognition. So what is the difference in “Lexa” and any of the other people who have these fantasies? She, has made her thoughts visible. LM, made himself famous by posting his murder for all to see. She’s never said she believed him innocent, she only talks of her fantasies, the possibilities. She has not harmed her children, or anyone else for that matter. No one can control how they think, but how they act, they are 100% responsible for. I believe if this is her outlet, than so be it. Plenty of parents do all kinds of sexual acts in the privacy of their own bedrooms, while their children sleep, some are even deviant, bondage, toys, pornography, whatever. How would that make them bad parents. A fantasy, is a dream. This is just an exposed one. Period. Have a nice day~concerned parent, lmao, MEH. People like you, so quick to judge, make me wonder what kind of a parent you are, you don’t sound patient, you come off as quick to punish, and know it all. I wonder….while you’re busy watching her garden, how many weeds are growing in your own backyard? Or have you noticed?
Thank you Lisa for the informations.
No problemo! Pas de probleme, tu dis que tu demers proche de rdp?
he’s bi… I’ve heard (on the news) somewhere he had a son. If i can go further, they tried to interviewed the mother of his son and we saw a little blonde boy about 2-3 years old at the door holding his mother hand’s while she was trying to close the door to the journalist….
Lisa, oui j’habite pas très loin. En auto ca se fait bien, 15-20 min. Where are u from?
Pas trop loin, Juste apres la pont Galipeau….Pincourt.
ah je ne suis la seule au québec!
oh gad, please say you wont try and find that poor boy….
Dikk,
Don’t worry…I wont try to find that little boy…
Aside from the fact that this person is a monster…you realize he is gay right? and has zero interest in women?
Fantasy……fantasy, phantasy [ˈfæntəsɪ]
n pl -sies
1.
a. imagination unrestricted by reality
b. (as modifier) a fantasy world
2. a creation of the imagination, esp a weird or bizarre one
3. (Psychology) Psychol
a. a series of pleasing mental images, usually serving to fulfil a need not gratified in reality
b. the activity of forming such images
4. a whimsical or far-fetched notion
Get it, or not? I can send you more definitions if you need…..
We are living in an electronic/virtual world, this is the new normal and will be seen more and more frequently, get used to it, oh, and I can hold that bucket for you while you puke. What it comes down to is her right to do it. Period.
I understand your interest in the case and in Luka’s backstory – it’s intriguing to know what caused his life to get so bad. Your obsession, however, is a dangerous one. The negative affects on your real relationships are a risk if your obsession continues long term. Your kids and husband humor you now because it hasn’t been going on for long….but there will come a time when they reach their limit with it and it’s no longer tolerable for them.
Because you don’t know Luka, it’s easy to romanticize him in your mind- he can be whoever and whatever you imagine him to be. That’s intoxicating, for sure. I recommend you try to meet him. I’d lay odds that if you do ever have interaction with him, he will not live up to the image of him you hold in your mind. He will disappoint you and you may fall hard. But it will break the spell and you can return to your life and to the people in your family who truly care for you.
I wish you the best of luck.
When I first discovered Luka and his case, I was also obsessed with him. Not quite as infatuated as you, but I was extremely interested in him and his case and learning everything about him. I wanted to know everything, absolutely everything. It got to the point where I checked news stories and read his blog on my iphone at work all day long. I’d tell my boyfriend, family, friends, and coworkers all about him.
Being a previous Administrative Justice major who decided to go for English instead, I thought maybe I’d write a book about him and I started outlining it and putting all kinds of information on him together including my own feelings and conclusions about it all. During this time I was having trouble sleeping and I felt really depressed and disconnected from my real life. Everything felt so dark and hopeless and while Luka seemed like this fascinating light, I knew what I was doing was wrong.
Thankfully, while I still am interested in his case, I got over my obsession with Luka. I got over it by living my life again, by talking to people about something else, by going out and doing things other than googling him, by paying attention at work again.
I still like to read up on him now and then but I realized that it’s really not a healthy thing to get so wrapped up in something so heinous. Your later post about the brain’s response to horrific stimuli translating to warm fuzzy feelings as a response is something I discovered about myself a long time ago. I discovered this when I sympathized with Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer earlier on and how I found myself more attracted to monsters and villains than regular guys or heroes.
The thing is that this obsession can eat you and spit you into a deep, dark, black hole and that’s exactly what it’s doing. It’s chewing you to pieces and your blog is absolute proof of it. I wasn’t going to comment or say anything to you at all because I don’t want to tell you how to live your life and I don’t mean to offend or upset you. However, the mention of your husband and daughter has me worried.
My boyfriend got real sick of listening about Luka Magnotta and your husband’s comments, even in jest, telling you that he thinks you need help is a red flag. Your daughter too, especially since she’s aware of your infatuation. It’s not a healthy thing for her to see her mother romantically obsessing over someone like Luka. I’m assuming they’re not aware of your blog since you mentioned them not knowing how deep your obsession is. If you are indeed harboring this blog as a secret from your husband, I worry about your marriage. This kind of thing is like a time bomb.
I’m lucky I was able to get out of this, but you can do it too. You might need help to do it, but don’t let this consume you. I totally get you and what you’re going through and what I can tell you is that life’s a lot brighter and a lot better on the other side, I promise. You’ve got to let this go.
I hope for the best for you, sweetheart. For you, and your family.