Final Blog Post
I haven’t written for months, and this will be my final blog post. Since I so openly discussed my obsession with Luka, I thought I would let you all know that I’ve ‘seen the light’. I no longer support Luka Magnotta, nor does he give me ‘warm fuzzy feelings’ anymore.
If you read my blog from the beginning, you witnessed the evolution of my feelings. I was very much aware from the start that this was not a natural way to feel and was searching for answers as to why I felt the way I did. I still don’t have those answers, but at least the feelings are gone now. In the beginning I was very much aware that Luka is a monster, but as I read more about him and spoke to other ‘fans’, I began to feel not just infatuation for Luka but deep sympathy as well. I felt bad for his childhood and the bullying he endured online. I felt sorry for him and thought that he deserved love and friendship that he never had. I wanted to be his friend, and thought that if enough people offered him love and support that the lost little boy inside him could be saved somehow. But still he wasn’t quite ‘real’, he was just some guy with tons of photos and blog posts online…and a legion of ‘fans’!
When Luka began writing people back, he suddenly became a very real person and I started to feel bad that I was blogging about him. I started to worry what he would think about what I wrote. I could no longer bring myself to write blog posts about this man who had written me a letter. Around this time, the culture of the Luka ‘fans’ changed significantly. People went from mostly being friendly with each other, to suddenly turning on each other. Everyone vying for a spot at the top of Luka’s ‘list’. Groups began to split up, people began blocking each other. People started demanding that people ‘unfriend’ other people by making up lies to convince people they were ‘bad people’. The whole culture became very toxic and unhealthy.
This is when I began to realize that there are a lot of seriously dysfunctional people in this strange corner of the internet, and that supporting Luka was getting to be a very unhealthy thing to do. I was very confused for a while; as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t just wilfully turn my feelings off, though they were fading. Then one day in the midst of the constant drama, something just clicked in my head; suddenly everything that all the detractors had been saying all along rang true in my mind. No matter what Luka has been through in his life, he does not deserve support!
Luka is not some little lost boy who can be saved. He chose this path. He is a liar and a manipulator and he willfully committed murder purely to gain attention and fame. Luka will never change! He will always be a shallow and vile human being. He is cold and empty inside and anything that people think they see inside him is purely manipulation on his part. He does not deserve support for his actions, in taking the lives of others he went from being a victim to being a predator. I started to feel sick to my stomach for ever supporting him, for giving him what he wanted. I thought about deleting this blog, but decided to leave it up as a record of my once obsession with Luka. Hybristophilia is a strange thing, it can happen to anyone and it can hit you out of nowhere. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Luka supporters who still find themselves embroiled in this culture may want to speak to a professional to work through their feelings.
If you feel conflicted about your support for Luka, step back from the other supporters, the culture, and try to think logically about the root causes of your need to support an individual who took a life and does not seem to want to own up to his actions. Luka made his own choices, and you can make your choices, too, to be healthy or to continue to support someone who does not care about you and likely never will. For me, I have chosen to redirect my support and sympathy to those who deserve it, in this case Jun Lin and his family.
RIP Jun Lin ♥
nicely put:)
we WERE there for him, but the truth showed, money from obsessed controlling fans won him over…….. I WONDER WHY?????
Lexa, I am glad we chatted the other day. <3 I am glad you have had a change of heart. It is so easy to become consumed in something so serious that we are unaware of the seriousness of it! You seem like a sweet girl, and I wish you the world of happiness with your new "outlook" on all this
we have all been through so much – drama, fights, and reconciliation, but most have us have made wonderful friendships that will last through this "puka phase".
God bless x
Kat
I looked up to you, because you taught I was not alone in my respect for Luka, I read your website feeling proud and content for Luka. Who am I now? Am I still right to like him? Why did you change on so many admirers and fans?
You have the right to support him if you choose to. For me it just didn’t feel right anymore!
hi Lexa,
i can totally understand why you feel the way you do,and i am grateful for you blog,it has helped me a lot over these months,as much as i respect you,i hope you will continue to respect the rest of us who will continue to support Luka…and i don’t think i need “help” but thanks for the suggestions…i hope you can still stay in touch with the people you have met that have created new friendships for you regardless of how they started…basically,i wish you well and happiness…but nothing will every change how i feel about him. also,yes a few months ago the situation(s) did change within the environment of us but i also truly believe that is over now and we are all-a core group of us who will never leave Luka unsupported)are stronger and more determined than ever to help him.
Hi Kyla,
I am very greatful for the friends I’ve made online over the past 6 months, yourself included. I will still be around, just not in the Luka groups. Personally I have no respect for Luka left but I absolutely respect each person’s right to make their own decisions.
~Lexa
I looked up to you to acknowledge I was not alone in my obsession, I read your proud feeling proud to be apart of the growing fans sorry for Luka’s life. Why have you left us all puzzled? Am I still normal in appreciating Luka’s struggle? Sorry and thank youn for all the information and feelings
Glad to see that you came to your senses, however forgive me for asking, but is there any way that you would be willing to share the contents of the letter that he sent to you? I too believe that he deserves to rot in prison, but it would be interesting to see how this crazy bastard actually responds to his fans.
Courageous post! Thank you for being honest about the evolution of your thoughts and feelings and for giving us insights into your mind and thought processes, it will help us understand this strange Hybristophilia…
I am especially happy to see your closing words for the true victim in this: Jun Lin.
very well written … never too late to see the big picture
Respect! I dare say you’re right..
Wow, That was amazing Lexa. I am from the U.S.A. and have posted on your blog before. Unlike you i wasnt obsessed with Luka, but did feel some what sorry for this Human being. As the story unraveled and more and more came out about him, I read and watched everything i could (even the kill video). However I was obsessed in trying to figure out what would or could bring someone to commit such a vile and disgustingly horrible act on another human and video it no less. I wanted so many answers, Why Jun Lin, How did you lure him, Did you really know him and were you in fact lovers. What did Jun LIn do to deserve this, Did he fight back or was he drugged, was it premeditated or just a random act. Are you that fucking sick and crazy psychotic to do what you did, I am an open gay male and Luka is my type (tall, light eyed cute). I thought about our paths crossing in NYC and wondered if i possibly could have been a victim.There are so many questions with very little answers. We may never know the truth. Some speculate that he was so desperate for FAME that he was going to be recognized no matter the cost. Is this true quite possibly yes. My only thought is this Luka must be so psychologically messed up that his thirst for Fame was fueled by a severe mental illness. As i stated earlier I read and watched everything i could to keep informed. Yes its a tragedy that this man had a horrble life, However there are millions of people out there who have had a rough life ( poverty, abuse,neglect, mental illness and or physical illness). They arent killing people, Luka like every human being on earth had choices. He chose to be a PROSTITUTE, he chose to do DRUGS, he chose to become FAMOUS no matter the cost, And he chose to MURDER !!!! . The world is full of GOOD and EVIL it surrounds each and everyone of us every single day of our lives. It has been like this since the beginning of time.
Luka committed such a heinous act He went overboard.. Its unfortunate and tragic and he will pay dearly for his actions. To all of you out there who still find him intriguing for whatever your reasons, I do not judge you. Pray for Luka, but remember his victim Jun Lin, May God belles you all and keep you all safe from the MONSTERS lurking in your lives and in your minds.
Thanks Sal! I agree very much with your comments about Luka’s quest for fame being fueled by severe mental illness, and that he chose this horrendous path that most people who have had a rough life do not choose. I am with you in the quest for answers too! But unfortunately I suspect many of our questions will never be answered. ~Lexa
Excellent post, very well written. I’m glad you have ‘seen the light’. What you say about the Luka ‘fans’ turning on each other, I have witnessed similar behaviour to this before. I have seen other, what you might call ‘high profile’, murderers attract groups of supporters, some truely believe them to be innocent, others do not, the reasons behind what they do are varied and often complex. I hope you look back on this as a learning experience rather than something to feel bad about. You’re obviously very intelligent, he doesn’t deserve your time, he made his choices, and I wish you all the best. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts.
Jo
Thanks Jo! This experience was a first for me, but I have heard from others too that the culture of killer fans often turns toxic. I do feel somewhat bad about being one of the ‘fans’ that Luka so desired, but it is
what it is and it was definitely a learning experience, and through it I have met a lot of interesting and intelligent people. ~Lexa
I apologise for my comment Lexa, Your decisions are yours and only yours to make and approve of, you do not deserve any hate as you are only trying to tell others about your feelings sorry- please remove my comment if needed sorry xxx
No need to apologize, I understand why you would be shocked at my seemingly sudden change of heart.
“Seriously dysfunctional people” supporting someone who posted a homemade mutilation video on the Internet? Kinda seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it?
You seem like a really intelligent girl, and I enjoyed reading your posts. Moreover, I’m glad that your focus has shifted from predator to victim, and that you had the courage to change your point of view in spite of how you may have previously felt.
I think you’re absolutely right: Magnotta made his own choices in life. While he may have been a victim at some point in his life, worthy of our feelings of sympathy, he gave all of that up for violence and infamy.
Does seem like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? LOL. I always knew it to be true, but took me a while to really see the full effect of that dysfunction.
I have been reading your blog from near the beginning and it has been good to see the evolution of your feelings laid out clearly. I have met many others who struggled with feeling the way that you do about Luka and this case. Many are conflicted because by an external attractiveness and innocence that makes you wonder how he could be capable of such evil.
I believe there are two sides to Luka. One side, the adult side, had intelligence, kindness, and the ability to achieve great things. The other side, the emotionally stunted and damaged child, never grew past the hate that an abusive childhood fostered, never grew past the point of pushing boundaries and striking out to see when someone would slap him on the hand and tell him to stop. That side let evil take over in an attempt to gain the attention that he never received as a child.
Luka indicated in many online postings that he knew something was not right within him. Did he have the skills to overcome his issues? Probably not without help. Why didn’t he seek help actively and try to be more? I don’t know.
People want to make excuses for the outcome of this situation, the loss of life, but in the end we choose our path, we choose good or evil, light or dark. Ii’s easier to give into darkness–then to fight your way toward the light. It is too bad in this case that evil was rewarded with fame and good is now buried, both in Luka’s soul because he has been rewarded for actions, and by burying Jun Lin and the good he brought to this world.
it is a sad situation all around, but the reality is that if Luka did kill Jun Lin (that remains to be seen but seems likely given evidence), I feel he is highly likely to reoffend given the severity of his crime and the attention he has been rewarded with for committing it.
Jun Lin will never see the light of day again, will never enjoy the sunlight on his face, will never fall in love, will never spend a leisurely night sitting at home, will never walk through a park, eat his favorite meal–why should it be any different for Luka if he took that away from Jun Lin? If Luka committed this crime, I hope and pray that someday he realizes the weight of this actions, a temporary high gained by creating permanent pain and damage for others.
RIP Jun Lin.
Hi Alaina,
I agree that there are definitely 2 (or more) sides to Luka and that is what made this whole thing so confusing from the start…trying to “figure him out”. If he did seek help for his issues he obviously did not try hard enough. It seems he succumbed to his dark side, gave up fighting and gave in to it. It’s very sad that Luka got the fame he sought and thus his negative behaviour was reinforced, not only within himself but for others in society who may have similar drives for fame and dark urges, who may now be inspired by Luka. Sadly, Jun Lin will fade from the memories of most people (his family and friends notwithstanding), while Luka will go down in history just like he always wanted.
~Lexa
First I have to excuse my bad english because I am from germany. The coverage here was short but intensive. A popular newspaper posted it again in the reviews of 2012 and so it started to interest me. I “saw” the video 2 days ago expecting a fake. After realising it is not a fake (2-3 minutes?) I stopped cause of the feeling I have to vomit. Can’t watch it again. So I took a look at german forums. And after reading hundreds of comments, suddenly supporters of Luka Magnotta appeared. I read it in two days, so it was a “fast forward” thing. And they started to fight as you said. I was quite shocked that people, girls and grown-up women, can react like this. I myself have more feelings toward Jun Lin. And his familiy who have to stand unbelievable pain every second. They will all have serious problems to use the internet for the rest of their life, cause their son is dying there every second again and again. Nevertheless Magnotta is not plead guilty at the moment. Why can’t people wait for the trial to judge? And to envolve emotions….
“cause their son is dying there every second again and again”…I never thought of it quite that way, that’s very sad. Their pain is unimaginable.
Allmystery?
Hi Lexa,
.
I just made an attempt at searching for you on Facebook but you were no where to be found so I guess I’ll make the comment here. I applaud your courage for saying that you no longer support Eric. I agree with you 10000000%. I, too no longer support him nor do I know why I ever. Like you said, it just happens. I came to the ‘light’ a while ago, which explains my absence in posts/groups. Supporting someone like Eric will get you no where and will just bring unnecessary drama/negativity. It did for me at least. I not only lost family members/friends because of my stupidity but also their trust. In their eyes,I am deemed dangerous and apparently will end up like him. My therapist made me realize that the only thing that came out of supporting Eric was embarrassment and that is what I did. I continuosly embarrassed myself by openly supporting a monster. You’re smart though, you used a fake name and didn’t show a picture. Now, when people search for me, they will be aware of this mistake. Lesson learned. Sorry for rambling, I am just happy another person realized who he really is
Destiney St.denis
Hi Destiney,
Sorry to hear you lost family/friends over this. That’s sad. For the most part, people in my life have been fairly accepting, even though they certainly didn’t understand. They are very glad I’m ‘over it’ now! I knew from the start that it would be a detriment to use my real name, I’m very glad I didn’t, and I feel bad for you that your name will forever be tied to this. I think as time goes on more and more people who support Luka will ‘see the light’, but we all have to come to these conclusions on our own, in our own time. I can’t really judge or think badly of the people who support him still because I understand how they feel having felt it myself for so long.
~Lexa
Hi Destiney,
I remembered you on FB in the groups of support. We had change some messages. I’m very surprise that you stop supporting Luka. You were his biggest fan. You’re name was tied to Luka in all the medias around the world. You had realized that your family and friends are more important for you than Luka. Good decision.
Take Care
Florentine
Fickle is your heart at best, easily swayed. Whats to stop you tomorow changing heart again. You dont know yourself. You dont know who you are. You were on the right track. You had empathy for someone who the rest couldnt and that made you unique and intelligent but fear got in the way didnt it. Fear, Its all fear. How do you think Jesus would feel about Luka. He would love Luka. God loves Luka. How did Luka become the way he is. Because our society is sick and Luka was a sympton of the illness of society. You are that society. So carry on making people sick, I have lost all respect for your fickle heart. Good day.
Nothing fickle about coming to my senses, fear has nothing to do with it. I am an extremely empathic person, but Luka doesn’t deserve my empathy. Ceasing to support an accused murderer does not remove my uniqueness and intelligence, how odd you would tie such things to empathy for Luka. We are all part of the society that creates people like Luka, attention seekers driven by fame, but that does not make Luka any less responsible for his actions, he chose the path of evil.
There is a difference in wishing God bless someone after making a horrible mistake ad completely supporting what that person has done. God will forgive him, as should we, just like Jun Lin’s mother has. But to forget the seriousness of what he did is being just as evil as him. She is not weak I’d call her courageous for that matter.
Oh Roger…….who are you to say what Lexa knows or doesn’t know and what is or isn’t the right path for her? Also nothing is stopping her from having a change of heart again. She’s entitled to have a change of heart every day if she sees fit to do so.
Are you suggesting fear got in the way because that is the only logically way she couldn’t agree with your point of view any longer?
How would Jesus and god feel about Luka? Probably the same as the spaghetti monster would feel about Luka.
Society is to blame for what Luka did? What about having free will or taking responsibility for your actions?
Lexa is indeed part of our society and she explored something with an open mind and didn’t rush to judgment. Our society needs more people like her.
Lexa doesn’t make me sick. I’m glad there are people like her out there. She may have lost your respect but she has mine.
You sound like you’re a delusional egomaniac either that or your just a troll.
Roger, As a person of free will, Lexa can change her mind as many times as she wants. Not wasting empathy on someone who doesn’t care about her at all means she has more time to have empathy for the people in her life who matter–her children, for example, or someone who is downtrodden but has not brought harm to others in a vicious way.
Society may be sick, but there are plenty of us who came from incredibly crappy childhoods but never killed or hurt someone as a result. If there’s a will, there’s a way–had Luka truly wanted to escape his situation, he would have fought to do so, instead, when you read online postings by him he blames those around him for his issues. While that’s valid, at some point as an adult you have to look at yourself and go, I can do something about this, so I will.
“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.” Sounds about right, both for you and Luka.
shame you arrested your blog it was very good. why not continue? I think you will always have something to say about it and people may talk aider.ou jun lin? Trial? good luck lexa, we talk on facebook
I will continue to discuss the case on facebook, but this blog has lost it’s purpose.
i understand lexa.
Sounds to me like for months you thought you knew this person so well, better than anybody else, and that you understood him, and viewed him as a victim. When really the only person you thought you knew was the fake image Luka portrayed online. I doubt he was ever even abused, his family seem normal and his sister is perfectly fine. Now he’s finally responded to your letter, I suspect he’s nothing like the person you thought you knew. I assume his letter of response had no emotion, empathy or remorse in it, just unjustified self importance. You finally saw the real Luka in that letter, didn’t you?
While his letter really had no emotion, I received it months ago so that wasn’t really what did it. It was a cumulation of things really.
could you post your letter?
No, sorry.
Hi Lexa, I can totally understand that you have changed your opinion of Luka. I think that initially when I heard about this case I just wanted to find the reason why Luka did this. I still worry about him and I’m surprised how harsh your words about him are. Maybe you have your reasons but how can anyone really judge Luka as a person. We only know what he shared on the Internet, some of it seems obviously true when he talks about his looks and people hating him. His previous court case shows that he had to take medication so he must have some form of mental illness. That’s why I’m shocked you called him vile. I just can’t hate him, I don’t believe how his life has ended up is his fault. That said I think it’s a good thing that you are switching off from Luka, the things he may have done are vile. We should all spend more time focusing on positive things and not horrific crimes. After all that may have been part of Luka’s downfall.
That’s just how I see him now. Mental illness or not, he chose to continue escalating his actions to gain more and more attention…it was not just one isolated incident where he lost his mind. He could’ve gotten help, he chose not to.
I would just like to ask, when you received his letter, what was the envelope like? Did it have his name and the prison on it?
Just a regular envelope, my name and address handwritten, no return address, nothing to indicate it was from the prison.
I am so glad you.are facing reality. I have a feeling the letter was the trigger that clicked it all together for you. Seeing an actual response from this human being could possibly help others to have their own much needed epiphany. Perhaps if you shared your real world response from him; you could do somethin beneficial for others who maybe been struggling with thier feelings here. I hope that you will give this a bit of thought. I belive you sharing the letter would help me find a sense of finality or end to the conflict of support or not support. Thank you.
It was months after receiving a letter from Luka that I had this realization, so I don’t really think that was it at all. I’m not sharing private correspondence; people need to come to conclusions about Luka on their own.
I am glad that most of Magnotta´s fans were able to see their feelings for what they are and managed to turn their attention to those who deserve it. But it makes me worried that some clever psychopath, not a pathetic dumb loser plagiarizing necrophilia musings form the internet, may exploit such psychological quirks en masse. Oh, wait…
A reblogué ceci sur Ma rencontre avec Luka Rocco Magnotta.
Happy New Year Lexa:) I decided to google Luka’s name for updates as I pretty much had to shift my focus back to my life, work & family after being extremely caught up with the entire situation.One reason I personally felt such a pull to the story was because in the basic web searches during his run,discovering hints he had seemed to be dropping were exciting to discover. Also I had a very hard time accepting anyone would do something so violent and harmful with out some major reason.I tried to find every excuse or meaning behind all of his actions, choices and inaction’s.
It was taking over but thankfully all the groups seemed to be cooling down, people grew sillier and posted non Luka related stuff which really helped me break away from it all. Your most recent post was exciting for me and I felt happy for you.I remember when you started posting originally you felt some shame behind it and I am really glad you stayed true to yourself in your search for the truth as you view it and upon your own realization.
I think you were brave to post this and not just shut the blog down, which would have been easier then trying to explain yourself to so many people. Great work.
And to all the web friends I met through this experience, just because some have changed opinions or are no longer actively following every detail, we are still the same people you liked or hated and trolled at one point
I am glad I had this experience and met so many unique (at times odd) new web friends.I will be keeping posted on the trail although I will be vary mindful no not allow it to take over my world.
All the best for everyone in 2013 <3
Hello Lexa,
Your obsession of him in the beginning was probably a physical attraction (he is probably your style) and maybe you had a kind of affection for him, not for what he did of course.
I had an obsession for him for a week because he is my style.
The people don’t usually know that drugs are very dangerous : it destroys your body and brain and leads very often to depression, maniacodepression, schyzophrenia and all the mental illnesses.
If a person under mental illness forgets one day his medication or doesn’t take his medication, it is the hell.
So stupid that a beautiful like Luka took drugs (methamph).
Under mental illness and without medication, I think you don’t make the difference between good and bad.
While looking at his picture, I feel him a kind person and his previous friends told he is not the style to kill somebody.
Valerie from France